This is me. Reborn and new. A place to reflect and purge and share and express. A place to be secret. To divulge truths that have been bottled up. To let go and breathe. This is where I live. Right here in front of you now.
She has always been a thorn in my side, and I her's. There is no way to make me different than who I am, and this frustrates her. She is a bully. Mean and self-centered and bigoted. It's hard to want to love someone like that. It's hard to care when she doesn't ever listen to me. Doesn't know me at all, or even seem to want to know me. She has no respect for who I am and my beliefs. These are facts that I wish were fiction, but it is what it is.
So many times I have wished her away. Wanted to abandon her and never speak to her again. So many times that she has done so many horrible things to me. Left me to fend for myself, then wonders why I am so fiercely independent without need for her. She did this to me, for better or worse. And now it's another time when I am at a crossroads, not knowing how to continue on this path with her, or whether I should continue at all.
When I was a child I looked elsewhere for love because she wasn't providing it. I made stupid decisions because I didn't know any better. I beat myself up, and treated my body like it was a prison that I was desperately trying to escape from. I gave my heart to people who didn't deserve it. I gave my body to people who used it without any regard for me whatsoever. I didn't understand how much these things would shape me later in life. I had no idea. And I look back at this now as if all of it just happened, and I cannot take it back. I cannot change these things, and I live with them and their repercussions day in and day out. To this day, still there, pink and swollen and wounded.
It's hard to be kind to the person that did this to me. Who continues to remind me of the past that I so desperately wish I could let go of. To feel sorry for her for all of her mistakes. I think I could forgive her if something inside of her genuinely changed, but it hasn't. She's a mean-spirited bully who's intentions are perhaps good, but simply not enough to make it ok. It's been 36 years now, and it's still not ok. I guess it never will be.
