I have always been a person who worries. For as long as I can remember. I don't know why I am that way? Is anxiety a genetic thing? Could be. This constant undercurrent of worry is so ingrained that it's like this component of me I can't imagine living without. I mean, I don't like it, and I would love to not have it, but it's as though it were an extra appendage. A third nipple; not at all necessary, but like, you're used to it so that's just the way it is.
My worry and anxiety is 100% based on control. Not so much about controlling other people, but... more abstract than that. Existential. Environmental. Supernatural. Meteorological. Stuff that truly, there is no fuckin' way I can control or escape from no matter how hard I try. That's where all my issues are. I wish I could be one of those people who just lives their lives going through the motions not really noticing or letting those things bother them. I really wish I could. But I can't.
A while back I talked about this motto I'd been employing: 'happiness and gratitude.' Whenever I started feeling stressed out or anxious I was saying that to myself, either out loud or in my head. I sorta let that slip away from me and forgot about it. Then as I was sitting here today, feeling the giant bubble of anxiety inside of me, welling up, I remembered it again: 'happiness and gratitude.' I need to be better about thinking about the things that are GOOD in my life. When I get worried about stuff I know I can't control, something that is making me uncomfortable, I need to step back for a second and say those words, then start reciting the things that I am grateful for. Focus on the things I *can* control that are making a positive impact in my life. Look around and see that I have things pretty fucking good right now. I am ok. No, really, I am actually OK.
