grown.

I've had a revelation recently. I have talked about how much I'm dreading my son moving out on his own, and I think I now know why it is so terrifying to me, and why this past year or two has had me sliding downhill into the worst anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. I have definitely noticed how much I stopped being a mom during this time. I used to be so maternal and would go out of my way always to take care of my son. I was a really good mom. But now that he's older and can take care of himself for the most part, those maternal instincts sorta switched off. Not completely of course, but my behavior as a mom has changed drastically over the past couple of years. And now I understand why. It isn't because he's older and can take care of himself. It isn't because he's 18 and about to go on his own. It isn't me unconsciously protecting and separating myself from him to cushion the blow later. No, this is what it is: It's the terrifying realization that I have nobody to take care of me. That while my son was little and truly needed me, filling that role of caring so much for him distracted me from the fact that I am out here all alone. That not one person on Earth can protect any of us, really. Nobody has the answers. Nobody can make you safe. We are all here just doing the best we can with our lives and all of the little daily things that keep us busy. I guess this is why people get religious and turn to "God," because when you realize that even as an adult, nobody has a fucking clue about anything, and that there isn't any glue real or imagined that keeps things together, the world is an incredibly scary place to be. I sit here in fear all day every day over just life. Being alive scares the crap out of me. And now my kid is going out there on his own and I'm here all by myself with nobody at all to protect me. I have become the child.