This all-consuming, deep-seated, fundamentally-rooted, perpetual boredom has been bubbling up to the surface more than ever lately. This isn't simply a case of having nothing to do. This is something that has been carried around with me for so many years I've lost count. It's not anything that is easily explained. It permeates me on every level. My very spirit, my soul, is drenched to the bones with it. It's deep, and dark, and murky, and thick. It leaves me with a constant feeling of disenchantment. It is unquenchable.
I used to try to suppress it. I would move apartments every few months, I would dye my hair different colors, I would get tattoos, I would rearrange the furniture, I would thrift shop constantly always looking for something new and exciting to take the edge off. I even went to school for eight years straight taking classes for every subject under the sun, just to be learning something, anything, new. But it was still always there.
I don't do any of those suppression techniques anymore, really. I stopped moving, I stopped dyeing my hair, I stopped thrifting, I finally got my degree... I do still rearrange the furniture from time-to-time but not very often, really. So now my essence... this profoundly, fundamentally, genetically bored being has nowhere to release this curse.
I sit here most days at a complete loss of what to do with myself. Leaving the house wouldn't help. If anything, I think that would make it worse. I know what's out there. I have lived in this town over 22 years, and in the same apartment for 3 1/2 years. There ain't nothin' out there that I have any interest in. Certainly nothing that would alleviate this boredom. No, going out would be a reminder of the same old same old. That I am still here, in this stupid town, that I don't even like. That won't do.
And no, you might think that traveling is the answer, but that's not it, either. First of all, I hate flying. It gives me massive anxiety. Second of all, traveling is ridiculously expensive and even if I could afford it, I would much rather save that money for other things. Third of all, I have always found traveling to be exhausting. The only part of it I've ever truly enjoyed is the staying in a hotel part. I guess I just don't really care about sight seeing and crap like that. I've been to many different cities all over the country, and after a while you realize that a city is a city is a city. Yawn.
So... I look inward. I pass the time on the computer. I work. I get up and put on a record. I turn off the stereo and put the tv on. I clean something. I cook and/or bake something. I maybe do a creative project now and then, like sewing or some other craft. These things don't fix it. They may help temporarily distract me a tiny bit, but it is still always, always there.
I am getting to this tipping point where I feel this overwhelming need to figure out what it is that will truly alleviate the boredom. There must be something. I have this nagging at me, this pull, this tug, this sixth sense, this intuition that there is a cure for it. I know there is. But I have no fucking clue what that might be??? Not one iota of a sliver of a semblance of a direction in which to go to find the tonic that'll wipe this boredom clean. All I do know is that I'd better find it, and soon...
