By giving up some things, somehow I am busier than ever. My vintage shop is done. Finito. Kaput. It's something I have worked on and (usually) enjoyed for nearly 10 years now, and while I have put it on hiatus from time-to-time over the years, this time I think I might really be done for good. And you know what? It's such an incredible relief. It sounds crazy to say it, but I don't really care about thrifting the way that I used to. I used to love stopping all over town treasure hunting at all the thrifts, but now I only go to one or two stores a week, maybe, and always just the same ones by my house. I don't know if it's because I don't like thrifting anymore, or because vintage stuff is harder and harder to come by so thrifting isn't as fun, or what. Maybe both? Or maybe it's because I feel like I am content with all of my possessions right now, so thrifting doesn't have the same pull, regardless of needing to buy stuff to resell. I don't know. Recently I have put so much pressure on myself to love my shop the way I used to, and to work hard at 'my own business' again, but why? If I don't love it anymore, and if it doesn't push me the way that it used to, I really don't need to beat myself up over it. It's ok to leave it behind and move on.
I spent an entire day getting rid of stuff related to my shop this weekend. Packed up the car with my vintage stock to give back to the thrift store, and then put all the empty boxes and packing materials I had down in my storage. Frankly it was shocking how much clutter was instantly gone from my life that I hadn't actually realized was there taking up so much of my valuable space. One of the best parts was reclaiming the places where I stored shop stuff to use for my sewing stuff now instead. My sewing stuff that's been shoved and crammed in the back of my closet, which likely not coincidentally, I haven't been sewing at all since it's all been hidden away. I really hope that now that it's accessible again I will be motivated to get crafty, as I don't do that nearly often enough anymore.
The only problem is I am soooooooo busy with graphic design work these days, so there's barely even time to think about crafty projects, let alone work on them. I was super worried about losing my shop income, but I really don't think I need to worry at all. I had so much stress going on at work for a while because of some new girl I can't stand, but it's all working out just fine and I'm more grateful than ever for my job. It's funny how the universe has its sneaky ways of working things out for you when you don't even realize it. It's little things that slip under the radar, or those things you can't control and surrender to, like I talked about in my last entry.
I know that the minutiae of today's tale means very little to anyone but me, but there is so much subtlety about these recent events that trickle over into deeper issues in my life, so to me, these things are very important. I've spent the vast majority of my life living a balancing act on the edge of complete disaster, but now things seem to be more and more steady. I think a lot of my anxiety is my brain coping with not having so much drama going on all the time. I really mean it, I think I've lived my life on the brink for so long that my brain is finding ways to rile itself up now that there is this huge lull of life-altering activity. I have been able to support myself without too much worry for nearly two years, and I don't constantly fear for what comes next anymore. So while I am admittedly uncertain of how to deal with the boredom that comes along with all this wonderful stability, I would way rather be bored and stable than constantly stressed out not knowing if I will be able to get by from one day to the next.
Last but not least, I have put myself back on social media again and I'm really enjoying it. It's so easy to get sucked into that constant need for validation that social media thrives on, and that's what I always struggled with before. I didn't like feeling bad when nobody responded to things I posted, and so often I would be embarrassed about things I said and deleted them. This time I'm feeling a lot more confident, and I just need to interact with people more, even if it is behind a screen. I'm trying to approach my life with a more cheerful attitude all around, and of course, with heaps and heaps of gratitude. Changing your mindset does wonders. It really, really does.
