surrender.

I'm learning, rather stubbornly, that the only way to free myself from all of the things that torment me is to surrender to them. All of my anxiety issues revolve around control. My stress at work revolves around control. The status of my ever-agonizing hair color revolves around control. The disgusting summer weather that I hate is out of my control. The stupid dog barking next door who keeps me awake is out of my control. My kid growing up and moving out of the house soon is out of my control. The love of my life is gone and that too is out of my control. I spend most of my waking (and actually, in my dreams as well) life battling against things that I can't control, and I'm fucking burnt out. So burnt out. While looking through old photos of myself on Facebook today (hair color decisions, my seemingly #1 torment and means of garnering some kind of control), it suddenly was brought to my attention that it's been four years since I ended my last serious relationship. Not the love of my life who has always been just beyond arm's reach, but my last legitimate, reciprocated, live-in boyfriend relationship. FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. Wow. I have spent four years predominantly alone. I don't mean theoretically, I mean really and truly alone. No friends, no social life, no relationships, no nothing but these walls around me. I mean, what the hell am I planning on doing with my life, here?! I've gotta surrender to all of this bullshit and break myself out of this self-made prison. No wonder my anxiety is so bad... Fuck. And while this sounds dumb, as I type this I've got a head full of hair dye in the hue of my *gasp* natural color. I am surrendering to that, too. Hopefully it's a baby step to getting myself somewhere other than here...