Today has been a very bad day. I am on day 8 of not leaving my house. Like, I've only checked the mail every day and that's it. And honestly, I have absolutely NO desire to go anywhere at all. Even if the weather weren't completely horrid out, I still don't want to leave. I was expecting to be filled with terrible anxiety during this stretch since my son was far away, but surprisingly, most of this time I've been pretty relaxed. Granted, the only thing I've done is some graphic design work and lots and lots of tv watching, all of which from the comfort of my bed. I'm not sick of it yet, not even slightly bored, and I fear I could quite easily continue living like this for a very long time and be perfectly content.
Today I accidentally got sucked into nostalgia, which is never, ever, EVER good for me. The funny thing is, I know I was not any happier then than I am now. Like, not even remotely. For the most part my childhood was a total clusterfuck. I can't honestly say too much about it that should make me be so attached to that period of time, except to say that I feel like the 80s and early 90s are all I understand and relate to. Even though I know I have always been out of place and have never fit in with anyone, ever, I still feel so attached to that time period as though I belong there. I have this unquenchable ache to go back there and stay forever. It's a terrible frame of mind to be in.
You see, both of the above situations are completely linked to each other. I like being home alone and not reminded of what the world is like right now. I like shuttering it all away and pretending I don't have to deal with it. There is honestly absolutely nothing out there that interests me. Seriously, not one goddamned thing. So it's pretty damned hard to motivate myself to get help for my super, majorly fucked up depression and agoraphobia when I sincerely don't care or even want to be part of the world anymore. How can I fix that??? Therapy doesn't cure stuff like that. Popping pills won't suddenly make me interested in things that don't exist. I can honestly say that if I never left the house again, I wouldn't care at all....
