identity.

I've been thinking a lot about identity lately. Those things both large and small that make us each unique. How we all judge each other by our appearances, and how we struggle so much to present our outer shells to the world in a certain way that makes us feel most comfortable and desirable. How so much of our lives revolve around this appearance, really, nearly every aspect of our lives in some way or another. It makes me think of us humans as animals in the most basic sense; the laws of instinct and survival in the most simplistic ways, boiling down to how we perceive each other physically above all else. Sure, you can talk a good game, be talented, smart, whatever, but no matter who you are in this life, no matter what, your looks will always be who you are, long after you are gone. So strange to have this spiritual shock of electricity somehow creating us into sentient beings, but the disposable sack of flesh is how everyone truly knows us. It honestly makes me kind of sad to think about. Not that I have been cursed as some hideous ogre, but just because it's all so disingenuous and shallow. I don't want to care about how I look, but it's a habit, whether good or bad, to spend a lot of time and effort thinking about how my appearance is seen by others, and more than that, by myself. Thinking about losing weight, and dyeing my hair, and what I wear on the rare occasions that I leave this nest and go out in public. I don't mean that I feel ashamed for how I look or anything like that, it's far more fundamental. This need to match up the outside with the inside. Some illusion of authenticity of my spiritual being. Such an odd concept, really, and something I think we all struggle with in some way. This world we live in is based so much on capitalism and pop culture and it's just... kind of gross. Sure, there is a biological need to have physical attraction towards one another, but I wish it weren't always that way. Maybe the next plane of existence is a little bit easier in that regard. When you think about it, taking away the bodies and getting to know someone on their spirit alone would be a nice change of pace. It sure would remove a lot of the guesswork out of everyone's intentions towards one another. I bet the divorce rate would plummet. There would be no racism. The stigma of aging wouldn't be nearly such a big deal. Yep, I think it sounds kinda nice. But in the meantime... at 41 years old it's still a constant struggle to define who I am via my looks. I guess it always will be.