tired.

I'm so tired. Again. I thought I'd finally beat this life-draining whatever it is, but it's back with a vengeance and I don't know why. I often think that these neverending illnesses are a spiritual manifestation, and not actually physical at all. Maybe that's true. It's so hard to tell if my feeling crappy is what's making me feel crappy, or the other way around. Maybe it's both, I don't know. I try really hard to put myself onto the right path to feeling better. I try really hard to make myself look good, even when I feel anything but. I'm trying to be healthy, as best I can, but it just doesn't matter. I have no real reason to be trying so hard. I mean, I don't do anything besides spend 95% of my life in this house, so who cares anyway? The person I love will never be mine, my kid is growing up and will be off on his own in a year, and I feel so utterly left behind and alone I can't even begin to describe how much. Sometimes I get really sad about it, but usually I feel more numb than anything. I can't remember the last time I was "happy" for any extended amount of time. I have always had my downs, and I mean terrible downs, but I usually bounced right back with a huge boost of feeling fun and happy again. I just don't have that anymore, it's either low or just kinda ok, but never truly happy. I think me being poisoned destroyed me. I think people letting me down has destroyed me. I think the overwhelming boredom of living in a city that is totally uninspiring to me for way too many years has destroyed me. How long can I keep trying to get better? I'm just so unbelievably tired.